I’m vacationing in Thailand, so I’ll write more about how I ended up here and the trip. But for now, I had to share about the two-hour, $20 oil massage I got that changed my life. Here was my train of thought upon entering the room, until the point the massage was over:
Oh, thank God Sam told me I had to shower ahead of time, because that would have thrown me for a loop. What’s this little package here? Oh, disposable underwear! Nice! That makes me feel a whole lot better.
Oooh, this soap smells amazing… I wonder if they’d notice if I stole the rest of it and took it home? Well… Maybe I shouldn’t do that, it’s a travel size bottle of soap. That’d probably be pretty lame to take it home like that and we’ve already stolen airline blankets, so maybe I need to quit stealing little things from this trip. I wonder if I’m supposed to wash my hair too?
Ahh, there’s the towel. Hmm, what’s that second, smaller towel for? Oh crap, that little towel just fell through the face hole… Right into the bowl of water that’s filled with… Is that gardenia? Ooh, that’s really lovely. I’ll be breathing into a bowl of gardenia water? OK, the towel is soaked. I’ll just squeeze it out into the shower. Maybe it’s not a big deal that it’s soaking wet. I’ll just put it here on the edge of the table and hope she doesn’t notice it’s soaked.
OK, disposable panty time. XL? Seriously? Friggin’ tiny Thais… Oh, I like these though — boy shorts! I wish these were actual underwear, cause I love them. Maybe I will steal these. They’re disposable anyway.
I guess I’ll lay on my back until she comes back in. I wonder if she speaks English? I mean, it’s kinda nice that I’m not going to feel compelled to talk to her. This is awkward. My head keeps falling through the face hole.
Oh good, she does speak a bit of English. Enough to know how to communicate with me anyway. Flipping onto my stomach… I like how she’s folding the towel under my face. Did she just put a Kleenex on the top of the towel? Is that because I should have washed my face but didn’t?
Whoa. I don’t even know what’s happening to my back right now. That oil feels good. So warm and sensual. I kinda want to ask her to marry me. OK, no, I’m kidding, but no seriously, maybe she’ll marry me. I know she’s feeling every knot in my body. GAH! I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW MY RIGHT SHOULDER HAD ISSUES! Did separating my shoulder last year really cause this much damage and I didn’t even know it? How in the world is she rolling her fingers in a way that’s turning my muscles into butter?
Left shoulder, same same. And that’s my bad shoulder. I wonder if other people are in this bad of shape when they come in here? Can she tell what all of my injuries are? Oh man, that tension is just melting out of my shoulders. Holy crap holy crap holy crap HOW IS SHE DOING THIS. Ahh ahh ahh ahh this is worth all of the pain.
I wonder if she’s staring at my kan’ji tattoo, thinking, “Dumb American.”
Oh, okay, she just pulled that underwear right up my butt. I wonder if she’s ever felt a butt like mine. I mean, after all of these years of running and derby… My butt is meaty. Whoa, she’s digging into my IT band. That’s heavenly.
Back to the butt again. I mean seriously. I have a butt. There’s that IT band again. I wonder if she can tell that I have toes that pop out of socket? Oh man, she’s working on my ankle. I bet she’s wondering what I’ve done to my body to cause so many injuries. Maybe I should just tell her I play a full contact sport. Like she’d know what roller derby is.
Time to flip already? Does that mean we’re an hour into this already?
Oh, back to the ankle and IT band. She’s really digging in.
Man, I wish there was a version of Tinder for health care needs. Like, you could see at a glance what the physicians believed and instantly get matched up or not. Cause I really could stand to find a massage therapist EXACTLY like this in the States and I really need to know where to find one.
Oh geez, my left elbow is a mess. What in the world did I do to my elbow? I mean… Derby. Obviously. It’s amazing how much she’s loosening up my tricep and bicep. This is going to work wonders. Am I going to jack all of this up when I get back and start lifting weights again? Oh crap this hurts so much but it feels so good.
Aaaaaaaaaand back to my shoulders again. Gah! She has magical fingers!
Wow, that’s weird. I’ve never had a belly massage before. I hope she doesn’t make me pee myself. That would be mortifying. I wonder if anybody has ever farted in this lady’s face before?
Onto my head… Sam said that means she’s about done. This is wild. That oil is going to make my hair so greasy. Maybe I should have washed my hair. She’s probably grossed out by the gel in my hair. And my ‘fro.
She’s having me sit up already? How has two hours gone by? This has been almost spiritual. I should get massages every day. I mean, two hours away from my phone and computer, just working out the knots in my body? I should do this every day. I want to delete games from my phone and just get massages and write and find time for myself, because that’s what life should be about.
What is this snapping thing she’s doing on my back? I can’t even comprehend how she’s doing this to me. Is she actually standing on the table like some kind of ninja? And now back to my head again… Yes, my hair is going to look awesome.
Well, that was officially the best two hours of my life. I wonder if she used that wet little towel?
I need a minute before I get dressed again. It already feels like my shoulders are sitting about 10 inches lower than they were when I walked in here. I’m pretty sure my rib cage is about two inches smaller. And there go my bones — pop, pop, pop-pop-pop. I’m definitely not keeping these disposable panties.
Oh yeah, Chum said I’ll go back downstairs for tea. I’m ready for that! I’m really going to miss you, Thailand. 
